Unfinished.

I can't finish anything right now. I don't
Is it really procrastination?

Where Am I Today??

This is a question I ask myself everyday.

Sometimes I feel lost. Stuck. Frozen. A wandering wanlass, if you will. :P

Other days I feel like I am just where I am meant to be.

so...where am I today????

Tired.

I am weary. The everyday grind of life is wearing me down. No matter, this season will pass just like all the rest.

Note to self:

-recipes for Sarah (the three-layer-cookies and the brownie trifle)

-finish "Motorcycle Girl" and "Letter Factory" and "Why Cell Phones Sell" and...the rest.

-work on other blog, "A Little Mermaid"

-eventually start music vlog??

-why do I make lists like this?? It only makes me tired-er!!

p.s. I just realized that today is a really cool date: 11.22.10 :)

Happenstance.

Life just happens.

Like it or not

The clock doesn't stop

And the winds of change and chance

Blow where'er you dance

Life is just...happenstance.

A Time and a Season

There is a time and season for everything under the sun, or clouds--as the case was today. Every season divine. I have been reveling in the graceful beauty of this fall. There is something about this time of year which reaches beyond the bouquets of sharpened pencils and crispness of the air. There is something more to the raking of the colorful leaves, the picking of pumpkins and apples. The oneness I feel with nature goes beyond simply being outdoors to witness the bluest of skies and general vividness of the colors surrounding me. I have yet to be able to soak in enough of this wonderful autumn. My words being inadequate...let me borrow John Donne:

Elegy IX: The Autumnal by John Donne

No spring nor summer Beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one autumnall face.
Young beauties force our love, and that's a rape,
This doth but counsel, yet you cannot 'scape.
If 'twere a shame to love, here 'twere no shame,
Affection here takes Reverence's name.
Were her first years the Golden Age; that's true,
But now she's gold oft tried, and ever new.
That was her torrid and inflaming time,
This is her tolerable Tropique clime.
Fair eyes, who asks more heat than comes from hence,
He in a fever wishes pestilence.
Call not these wrinkles, graves; if graves they were,
They were Love's graves; for else he is no where.
Yet lies not Love dead here, but here doth sit
Vowed to this trench, like an Anachorit.

And here, till hers, which must be his death, come,
He doth not dig a grave, but build a tomb.
Here dwells he, though he sojourn ev'ry where,
In progress, yet his standing house is here.
Here, where still evening is; not noon, nor night;
Where no voluptuousness, yet all delight
In all her words, unto all hearers fit,
You may at revels, you at counsel, sit.
This is Love's timber, youth his under-wood;
There he, as wine in June enrages blood,
Which then comes seasonabliest, when our taste
And appetite to other things is past.
Xerxes' strange Lydian love, the Platane tree,
Was loved for age, none being so large as she,
Or else because, being young, nature did bless
Her youth with age's glory, Barrenness.
If we love things long sought, Age is a thing
Which we are fifty years in compassing;
If transitory things, which soon decay,
Age must be loveliest at the latest day.
But name not winter-faces, whose skin's slack;
Lank, as an unthrift's purse; but a soul's sack;
Whose eyes seek light within, for all here's shade;
Whose mouths are holes, rather worn out than made;
Whose every tooth to a several place is gone,
To vex their souls at Resurrection;
Name not these living deaths-heads unto me,
For these, not ancient, but antique be.
I hate extremes; yet I had rather stay
With tombs than cradles, to wear out a day.
Since such love's natural lation is, may still
My love descend, and journey down the hill,
Not panting after growing beauties so,
I shall ebb out with them, who homeward go.

Reading this again, I think of the book I just finished called The Road Less Traveled by Scott M. Peck and Persuasion by Jane Austen. The theme resonates with where I am write now and causes me to think of Ecclesiastes 3:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven; A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." No worrying needed. I like that! :)

Besides the fall, I am in a season of busy-ness. I am working two jobs: I am a lifeguard at Healthtrax (a gym), and as a VerizonWireless sales girl...so of course I am in love with the Droid phones. Especially the Droid X and the Incredible. Luckily, I am kept from temptation by the fact that I am broke. That'll do it every time! ;)

In my down time (and pool time), I have been doing quite a bit of writing and reading and stretching and growing in the past few months...just not directly on my blog. A lot of my thoughts have been translated into letters (which too often go unsent...working on that!) and into songs, and into other writings. I hope to get some of these thoughts up soon. I am in such a personal state of transition. The question "what actually happens in the caterpillars cocoon during metamorphosis?" is being revealed to me. I wish that I could sleep through it, as the caterpillar does, and simply wake up as a butterfly. But it doesn't work that way.

Sigh.

This is me, apparently. According to a girl named Tiffany.

I sure do wish that certain daydreams would come true!! ;P

Confused? See my post from last month: Daydreams.

persuasion.

I remember my last Young Women's leader, Natalie LaFleur Edwards, telling us how we could accentuate the positive in what seem to be "character flaws." She told us how she had always been stubborn and how this helped her to stick to and stand up for what she knew was right.

I have always been very persuadable. I think that's a flaw, to not think for yourself. And...

Yep. I haven't found out what I like about it yet. :P

However, if you read Persuasion by Jane Austen, the conversation between Anne Elliott and Frederick Wentworth does seem to give it a virtuous spin. As does this scripture:

Alma 7:23

(from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ)

And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

numbers.

I have issues with numbers. I don't understand what exactly began this fear as numbers are merely a tool. A useful symbol that helps our concrete minds to have something to structure itself around and make sense of.

However, I don't think in numbers. I am more of a "concept person." I think in the abstract. I think in terms of relationships and in the big picture. I have a more holistic approach to education and knowledge. A more eternal perspective.

I suppose there is truth in the proverb "we fear that which we do not understand." And by golly, have I feared those numbers!

For me, numbers have always seemed to feel feel so rigid, so set in stone, so final, so unforgiving. They seemed to be what "justice" would be if not tempered by mercy. Also, because they are so quantifiable they seemed to judge me so harshly. I sometimes manipulate them to show myself just how "imperfect" I am. In the case of time, these numbers simply slip away without there being anything to show for it.

However, it's all about how we choose to perceive something. Numbers....numbers are not real. They are great! They are a wonderful tool! But that is all they are. A construct to assist us. A tool that can be very helpful at times, but a tool which has also been wielded in a course of destruction.

I hope to keep understanding numbers better. I hope to keep developing the more rational, logical part of my brain and not simply react to life. I hope to keep seeing things as they really are.

The Princess and the Pirate

Being home has its advantages. On Halloween, I get to help my siblings dress up and then send them off to go bring me candy. It really is a nice arrangement. I had pictures I wanted to show you...however, they are in my head. I did not think to find my camera at the crucial moment, so I will tell you what they were. A Princess and a Pirate. I'll give you three guesses to guess which Matthew was and which Rachel was. :P

Anyway: THANK THE HEAVENS FOR CANDY HOLIDAYS!!!! :D

Why Do People Curse??

So...I have had to listen to a good deal of "language" lately. The kind of language I don't approve of. I have become fairly proficient at blocking and filtering these unsavory words before they effect me...but there is no way to truly escape their effects. On the subconscious level they still effect you.

I just don't understand WHY people use these words?? They are the very opposite of conveying "more feeling." They convey less. Used over and over as they are, these words lose all meaning and deaden the senses. We of the English language have one of the most expressive languages on this earth...and still people curse.