Resolving to Resolve.

I have yet to make any New Years Resolutions. Decision making has never been my greatest strength. I tend to get overwhelmed with all of the available options. There is so much to choose from in this life, so many different roads we can take. Yet, we are forced to choose just ONE. One road. One choice. One life.

It doesn't help that I suffer from a chronic form of perfectionism which easily turns into procrastination. I can be very self-defeating as I subconsciously insist that "if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all."

I'm working on that one! I'm working on not making life more complicated and difficult than it really is. I'm working on taking a more active role in my agency...I want to choose where my path will lead me and not simply be tossed about by every tide and storm and random influence. That doesn't mean that we are not allowed to make mistakes. Or change our mind. Or go the wrong way. I am realizing that sometimes, it doesn't matter so much what you choose, just that you choose. You are free to act, don't be acted upon.

I will qualify that. WHAT you choose IS very important. As President Thomas S. Monson likes to say "Decisions determine Destiny."

I don't know about you, but I want a destiny. A beautiful, eternal destiny. But to create this destiny, we don't need to be so afraid of our choices as I have so often feared. Such fear represents a lack of trust and faith, for faith and fear cannot dwell in the same mind at the same moment. So I will choose not to fear. I will choose to create that beautiful, eternal destiny step by step. Day by day. Lives are lived not in years or college semesters, but in moments.

Life is such a delicate balancing act. We must not fear or worry about every single choice, yet we should be concerned and take an active part in our agency as we acknowledge that every single one of our little choices affects who we are. We must think and plan ahead, but live in the moment. We must figure out what we want. Who we are. And once we know ourselves be willing to sacrifice that will for the will and wisdom of our Heavenly Father.

So what is His will for me?? I really don't know. Not yet.

I have come to understand that the Lord reveals his will to us in both our minds and hearts at the same time in a quiet yet clear way. I feel very confused right now...so I am not going to make any final decisions for the present. However, in the spirit of the New Year and it's resolutions, I will make this one: that although I cannot choose all of those big life decisions right at this moment, what my career will be, who I will marry, etc, I am not going to procrastinate life any longer. I am just going to live right now. I am going to bloom where I am planted. I am going to make those small daily choices like "let's get out of bed," "let's pray and read our scriptures," "let's go for a run," "let's choose to have faith and not fear at this moment." I am resolving that when I can act with certainty..when I have ideas that feel right, I will act upon them. I will go and do. Even if the choices I can make are only small: I resolve to resolve.