The Brave One.

I have three sisters and one brother. My brother being so much younger than myself, I was designated as "the boy" of the family for quite some time. Being the strongest of the sisters. The bravest. The most impulsive. Having the most masculine haircut (in sixth grade...oooh. painful memory). Anyway, it was I who mowed the lawn. Who got the tool kit for my birthday. Who was always given the "boy colors" while my sister got the pastels.

Haha. If you can't tell, being considered as "the boy" caused some identity crisis. To be sure, I loved being athletic and outdoorsy. I loved being strong. I loved being adventurous. I loved loving life. But I wanted to be very feminine. I wanted to be delicate. I wanted to have pastel suitcases. I wanted to be a damsel. A lady.

The other day at work there was a spider on the security monitor at the front door. I did not think that customers would find it at all palatable to be welcomed by an eight-legged, hairy, door greeter. The boys in my building were unwilling to conquer themselves and face the spider, so I determined to again, "play the boy."

I surveyed the scene cautiously so as to examine the extent of the spider's web and possible roommates. Upon discovering the web, I stupidly reached up to swipe it down with my hand. The result being that the spider came five feet closer to my head.

Retaining some of my feminine delicacy, I squealed and jumped back.

Dylan, who must have been feeling ashamed by his cowardness, had come up behind me to watch my progress when I reacted very strongly to the spiders movement. In my jumping backward I jumped right into Dylan, landing on his foot and having to be completely caught by him so as not to fall.

If you do not know this about me, I will face to admit in full blush that I LOVED THIS! :)

I am a romantic. The kind who watches the Princess Bride. Believes in fairy tales. And dreams of chivalry.

I try very hard to be a rational person. In my nature, I don't really want to be. I mean really, Dylan's heroic impulse won the affection of my heart for several minutes. Who doesn't want to be the damsel in distress?

TN or TMD

The case for Trigeminal Neuralgia:

I might have a disease with a really cool name. Actually, I don't think it's technically a disease. It's just has a technical term, which means "damaged nerve." This damaged nerve is in the face (left-face, stage right) and usually gets damaged in old people. Me to a 't.' :P

The case for TMJ syndrome, or Temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJB or TMD):

It's basically severe arthritis in the jaw.

Anyway, it is PAIN. Pain in its most acute and chronic form. Imagine an open nerve. Then stab a knife into it. Then don't sleep for days, weeks, months, years...well, let's just say a long time. How do you feel?? Can't imagine?? Didn't think so.

Okay. Rant over. I can get through this!

afterthought: I wonder if it could be a wisdom tooth??

This is why "the truth is rarely pure and never simple."

My skin doesn't usually scar, but four weeks after a major shaving fiasco and I have my first whopper! But I don't like the story. "Lesson learned: guys razors leave your skin softer, but are a lot sharper!" That just makes me feel klutzy.

I thought of embellishing it with...

"One day I happened to be mountain climbing and the guy I was with lost his footing. Like any rational heroine, I grabbed hold of the rope and pulled when I realized that he had not anchored it for ten feet. I acted quickly, body belaying him to prevent the fall. Unfortunately, he whacked the side of the mountain a few times, opening his backpack and hygiene kit which flew down and hit me in the head. I awoke with a concussion, rope burns, and to find that his razor had sliced my shin open. I am lucky to be alive. And he was lucky to have me. And why on earth would he bring a razor mountain climbing?? All of the great mountaineers just grow beards."

Everybody.

Just let the love, love, love begin. :)

Parachutes.

I am OBSESSED with this song! LOVE IT. :)

It just reminded me that I still need to go skydiving! Definitely toward the top of my bucket list.

Don't Look Back.

I don't understand the constant compulsion I feel to look in the rear view mirror. I feel like people behind me must be mad at me because I am not going fast enough, or judging the fact that I am putting on mascara, or wondering why I didn't signal sooner, or later, or drive more to the right or to the left, or why I didn't stop for that stop sign or theeeeee.............bus.

If you constantly look back, you can't see the road in front of you and are doomed to crash. Not to mention the pillar of salt scenario. ehh.

When I am not nervously looking in the rear-view mirror wondering what is behind me, then I find my eyes directed at the beautiful scenery which surrounds me. This world is a beautiful one filled with sunsets and sunrises, forests, oceans, mountains, plains, lovely houses, gardens, cloud formations, and a little dog??? Screech. Phew.

If I could just focus on the vistas in front of me, I would still enjoy the scenery without endangering myself or any other creature.

And then there are the times when I am straining my eyes, trying to see the entire picture all at once. So worried about missing turns that I miss every single one. So stressed about these missteps that I look in the rear view mirror and miss the next one. Get nervous about all of these roads taken and become paralyzed. Unable to make the necessary u-turn or other course corrections.

You are stuck driving all the way to L.A. Be careful not to drive right into the pacific!

Hyperbole? Maybe. But you get the picture.

Luckily, I have never allowed my rear view mirror paranoia's or sideways stirrings to distract me to the extent that I crash, but how much more I enjoy driving when I am just focused on the road ahead of me. I can still enjoy the scenery and be aware with what lies behind me and before me, but what lies within, where we are on that road at any given moment is what is really important.

I will never cease to be amazed how the patterns of life imitate and repeat themselves constantly. I am who I am. My strengths and weaknesses show themselves in all that I do.

I can get nervous and overwhelmed when filling out forms, sight-reading music in front of people, performing a piece I don't feel confident about, that is, any piece...I am working on the confidence department, taking tests, again the confidence, I just can't stay focused on the task at hand, there is just so much that always needs to be done, and...let's just say I have yet to master the arts of realistic expectations and balance.

Also, I have yet to master the art of brevity. I didn't really get out what I wanted to.

Becca, stop looking back! People will pass you if they want to. They don't really care. And you did NOT fail or ruin your whole life, alter the timetable of the entire human race, or stop the second coming because you didn't smile at that random stranger. Chill out. Also, the scenery is lovely, but green pastures are yet ahead. You don't have to stop at every single rest stop to smell the flowers. There will be more flowers. You are still living life fully. Don't be scared about what lies ahead. You are not there yet. The detour you took, perhaps mapquest and Mr. Garrett the Garmin told you to take a certain path which you had meant to take, but it's okay to take a "wrong turn." They so often seem to be the best turns in the end.

Breath. Relax. Let yourself trip. Let yourself fall. Let yourself enjoy the chocolate mousse dessert. Allow others to help you up. Allow yourself to really live and love this life. Let go. Stop structuring your life around your perceived needs of others and around.....I don't know. You will have to figure that out.

G'night! :)

p.s. Becca don't forget that your weaknesses are sometimes your greatest strengths. When you are able to put the over-thinking aside, you perform magnificently in whatever you undertake with full purpose of heart. Go you! Give me a B. Give me an E. Give me a double-C. A!!!! What does it spell? Yayy!!! For BECKAAAAAYYYY!!!

p.p.s. Don't forget to delete this post in the morning when you are awake and embarrassed. Oh wait, but wouldn't that be looking back, or sideways, or forward, or worrying too much about what other people are thinking, or something like that?? ;P

Let's Get Moving

"While the Lord will magnify us in both subtle and dramatic ways, he can only guide our footsteps when we move our feet."

-Marion G. Romney

I was a basket case on Sunday. Again.

I have great need for change in my life.

It is Time to get over this deer-in-the-headlights

response to life.

It is Time to get moving!

"Isn't it [all] about......Time?"

Cheers! :)