This morning was just one of those mornings. I had almost determined to give up, when I decided would not! My resolution was instantly tested as my mother gave me a piece to learn so that I would be able to accompany her. I had less than an hour to learn it, but by golly I was gonna try my best! Unfortunately, my best wasn't quite what I would have liked, but other than another fiasco at the piano amidst performance, we had beautiful and inspirational services at church. I am glad to know that the beauty of my mother's voice cannot be diminished by her daughter's poor performance. :)
One of my dear little sunbeams, Kairi, ran up to me after Sacrament Meeting and we ran around the church to get her wiggles out. We counted to one hundred. And then we went into primary.
How special she made me feel. So loved. To simply be grabbed by the hand, unbidden, and be pulled all around the church. What fun! What an honor to be loved and adored by Kairi, who does not respond to everyone.
My little sunbeams are the most wonderful little things. I have four: Clark, Ava, Kairi, and Leo. They are each distinct and important elements of our class. It is such a beautiful environment together. They are so ingenuous. They are so full of perfect love. So ready to learn. To be taught. They are patient with me as we struggle together each week as I learn how to create the structure and discipline which will allow each of them to grow and develop their potential. As they learn how to listen. As I learn to listen.
My main goal is for them to feel loved. For them to come to associate church and the gospel of Jesus Christ with his teachings and precepts, for "God is love." To feel safe. To feel nurtured. To feel like they can make mistakes. To fall. To get up again. To just do their best with the knowledge that whatever their best is, that this it is not only an acceptable offering, but an offering most wonderful and treasured. I want to give these children stable emotional, physical, spiritual, doctrinal foundations upon which they can build. Most of them will never remember me. Most of them will not recollect my face or my name. But I hope they will remember how much I love them. How grateful I am for them. I hope they will remember that although they may forget me, that I will never forget them.
I hope that in whatever small way I interact with all those around me, that I will bring some measure of Christ's perfect love into their life. By just a smile. A compliment. Or the random strangers who know more about my life than so many that I see every day. Every one needs to know they are cherished.
I hope that in whatever small way I interact with all those around me, that I will bring some measure of Christ's perfect love into their life. By just a smile. A compliment. Or the random strangers who know more about my life than so many that I see every day. Every one needs to know they are cherished.
I am amazed at how the Lord works. The more we give, the more we receive, the more we want to give. I often fall prey to the folly that if I do not come bearing gifts, I should not come at all.
I am trying to be more humble. I am trying not to care what people think of me. I am weak and pathetic. Think what you may, this is who I am. I am trying to not give up. I am trying to do my duty...sometimes I try too hard, other times not hard enough. But time just keeps marching. Healing. Cleansing. Sanctifying. Glorifying.
I have often misunderstood the wonderfully divine gift of time. I still try to reconcile myself to its rhythm. I often feel out of step. I am trying to fully comprehend all of these wonderful temporal, preparatory commandments.
I struggle with time. I struggle with balance. I struggle to prioritize. Organize. At least I can say I accessorize. ;P
I am trying to be more humble. I am trying not to care what people think of me. I am weak and pathetic. Think what you may, this is who I am. I am trying to not give up. I am trying to do my duty...sometimes I try too hard, other times not hard enough. But time just keeps marching. Healing. Cleansing. Sanctifying. Glorifying.
I have often misunderstood the wonderfully divine gift of time. I still try to reconcile myself to its rhythm. I often feel out of step. I am trying to fully comprehend all of these wonderful temporal, preparatory commandments.
I struggle with time. I struggle with balance. I struggle to prioritize. Organize. At least I can say I accessorize. ;P
Like many people, I wish I could put my best foot forward and show people "who I am." But we don't usually want what we need. Instead of being able to show off my strengths, to flout my feathers like a peacock, it feels like I show people my very worst sides. My weaknesses, follies, mistakes seem transparent to all. But that is okay. That is what I need.
I am learning to accept that it just does not matter. It is a gift to be weak. To have the opportunity to acknowledge openly to yourself and others all that you are. I am grateful for my weaknesses because they help me to be meek. I would rather be meek. Humble. Sincere. Genuine. My weaknesses are a blessing because they help to break down the walls people normally tend to put up, as everyone desires to put their best foot forward.
No one wants to feel inferior. I like to think that my occasional awkwardness might be endearing. That my klutziness allows others to be at ease. That my many imperfections being so apparent allows others to feel brave enough to let their own flaws be seen. If we hide our weaknesses, we become ashamed. If we hide them, they can never come to light and be seen for what they are: opportunities to grow. If we hide them, we cannot progress.
Playing the piano today was really hard. There were so many incredible musicians there, I longed for one of them to take my place instead of making me suffer through a humiliating, tormenting spectacle. People who have heard me play music that I have written or certain very well rehearsed performances think I'm all that and a cup of tea. I'm not. (Or not yet? :P) Such times were a rare gift of mercy to me. To be able to shine for a moment in the light of the inspiration that I was conduit to. A taste of what I might become as long as I keep at it. This has happened maybe a handful of times in my life. All of the rest of my experiences seem like today: trial by fire, lakes of torment, the hell of Dante's Inferno kind of experiences. To be constantly given music at the last minute doesn't really doesn't help my already crazy, irrationally intense fears of playing in front of anyone other than myself. It seems counter intuitive as it reinforces my fears. Instead of PTSD, it is TSD. The car accident keeps happening over and over again!
But this is where I simply have to step back and realize that people who are listening with the spirit will be touched by my sincere offering. Those who are distracted by my blundering...well, I can't help that. I am coming to know that people don't judge me as harshly as I judge myself. They love me. They want to help me. They want to nurture and serve me.
And they are. I am learning to let people serve me. To nurture me. To love me. To heal me.
I still seek to come bearing gifts, but when my well runs dry I seek to be filled.
The sum of the whole is greater than its parts.
"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."
--Hawthorne
I am learning to accept that it just does not matter. It is a gift to be weak. To have the opportunity to acknowledge openly to yourself and others all that you are. I am grateful for my weaknesses because they help me to be meek. I would rather be meek. Humble. Sincere. Genuine. My weaknesses are a blessing because they help to break down the walls people normally tend to put up, as everyone desires to put their best foot forward.
No one wants to feel inferior. I like to think that my occasional awkwardness might be endearing. That my klutziness allows others to be at ease. That my many imperfections being so apparent allows others to feel brave enough to let their own flaws be seen. If we hide our weaknesses, we become ashamed. If we hide them, they can never come to light and be seen for what they are: opportunities to grow. If we hide them, we cannot progress.
Playing the piano today was really hard. There were so many incredible musicians there, I longed for one of them to take my place instead of making me suffer through a humiliating, tormenting spectacle. People who have heard me play music that I have written or certain very well rehearsed performances think I'm all that and a cup of tea. I'm not. (Or not yet? :P) Such times were a rare gift of mercy to me. To be able to shine for a moment in the light of the inspiration that I was conduit to. A taste of what I might become as long as I keep at it. This has happened maybe a handful of times in my life. All of the rest of my experiences seem like today: trial by fire, lakes of torment, the hell of Dante's Inferno kind of experiences. To be constantly given music at the last minute doesn't really doesn't help my already crazy, irrationally intense fears of playing in front of anyone other than myself. It seems counter intuitive as it reinforces my fears. Instead of PTSD, it is TSD. The car accident keeps happening over and over again!
But this is where I simply have to step back and realize that people who are listening with the spirit will be touched by my sincere offering. Those who are distracted by my blundering...well, I can't help that. I am coming to know that people don't judge me as harshly as I judge myself. They love me. They want to help me. They want to nurture and serve me.
And they are. I am learning to let people serve me. To nurture me. To love me. To heal me.
I still seek to come bearing gifts, but when my well runs dry I seek to be filled.
The sum of the whole is greater than its parts.
"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."
--Hawthorne
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