Unfinished.

I can't finish anything right now. I don't
Is it really procrastination?

Where Am I Today??

This is a question I ask myself everyday.

Sometimes I feel lost. Stuck. Frozen. A wandering wanlass, if you will. :P

Other days I feel like I am just where I am meant to be.

so...where am I today????

Tired.

I am weary. The everyday grind of life is wearing me down. No matter, this season will pass just like all the rest.

Note to self:

-recipes for Sarah (the three-layer-cookies and the brownie trifle)

-finish "Motorcycle Girl" and "Letter Factory" and "Why Cell Phones Sell" and...the rest.

-work on other blog, "A Little Mermaid"

-eventually start music vlog??

-why do I make lists like this?? It only makes me tired-er!!

p.s. I just realized that today is a really cool date: 11.22.10 :)

Happenstance.

Life just happens.

Like it or not

The clock doesn't stop

And the winds of change and chance

Blow where'er you dance

Life is just...happenstance.

A Time and a Season

There is a time and season for everything under the sun, or clouds--as the case was today. Every season divine. I have been reveling in the graceful beauty of this fall. There is something about this time of year which reaches beyond the bouquets of sharpened pencils and crispness of the air. There is something more to the raking of the colorful leaves, the picking of pumpkins and apples. The oneness I feel with nature goes beyond simply being outdoors to witness the bluest of skies and general vividness of the colors surrounding me. I have yet to be able to soak in enough of this wonderful autumn. My words being inadequate...let me borrow John Donne:

Elegy IX: The Autumnal by John Donne

No spring nor summer Beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one autumnall face.
Young beauties force our love, and that's a rape,
This doth but counsel, yet you cannot 'scape.
If 'twere a shame to love, here 'twere no shame,
Affection here takes Reverence's name.
Were her first years the Golden Age; that's true,
But now she's gold oft tried, and ever new.
That was her torrid and inflaming time,
This is her tolerable Tropique clime.
Fair eyes, who asks more heat than comes from hence,
He in a fever wishes pestilence.
Call not these wrinkles, graves; if graves they were,
They were Love's graves; for else he is no where.
Yet lies not Love dead here, but here doth sit
Vowed to this trench, like an Anachorit.

And here, till hers, which must be his death, come,
He doth not dig a grave, but build a tomb.
Here dwells he, though he sojourn ev'ry where,
In progress, yet his standing house is here.
Here, where still evening is; not noon, nor night;
Where no voluptuousness, yet all delight
In all her words, unto all hearers fit,
You may at revels, you at counsel, sit.
This is Love's timber, youth his under-wood;
There he, as wine in June enrages blood,
Which then comes seasonabliest, when our taste
And appetite to other things is past.
Xerxes' strange Lydian love, the Platane tree,
Was loved for age, none being so large as she,
Or else because, being young, nature did bless
Her youth with age's glory, Barrenness.
If we love things long sought, Age is a thing
Which we are fifty years in compassing;
If transitory things, which soon decay,
Age must be loveliest at the latest day.
But name not winter-faces, whose skin's slack;
Lank, as an unthrift's purse; but a soul's sack;
Whose eyes seek light within, for all here's shade;
Whose mouths are holes, rather worn out than made;
Whose every tooth to a several place is gone,
To vex their souls at Resurrection;
Name not these living deaths-heads unto me,
For these, not ancient, but antique be.
I hate extremes; yet I had rather stay
With tombs than cradles, to wear out a day.
Since such love's natural lation is, may still
My love descend, and journey down the hill,
Not panting after growing beauties so,
I shall ebb out with them, who homeward go.

Reading this again, I think of the book I just finished called The Road Less Traveled by Scott M. Peck and Persuasion by Jane Austen. The theme resonates with where I am write now and causes me to think of Ecclesiastes 3:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven; A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." No worrying needed. I like that! :)

Besides the fall, I am in a season of busy-ness. I am working two jobs: I am a lifeguard at Healthtrax (a gym), and as a VerizonWireless sales girl...so of course I am in love with the Droid phones. Especially the Droid X and the Incredible. Luckily, I am kept from temptation by the fact that I am broke. That'll do it every time! ;)

In my down time (and pool time), I have been doing quite a bit of writing and reading and stretching and growing in the past few months...just not directly on my blog. A lot of my thoughts have been translated into letters (which too often go unsent...working on that!) and into songs, and into other writings. I hope to get some of these thoughts up soon. I am in such a personal state of transition. The question "what actually happens in the caterpillars cocoon during metamorphosis?" is being revealed to me. I wish that I could sleep through it, as the caterpillar does, and simply wake up as a butterfly. But it doesn't work that way.

Sigh.

This is me, apparently. According to a girl named Tiffany.

I sure do wish that certain daydreams would come true!! ;P

Confused? See my post from last month: Daydreams.

persuasion.

I remember my last Young Women's leader, Natalie LaFleur Edwards, telling us how we could accentuate the positive in what seem to be "character flaws." She told us how she had always been stubborn and how this helped her to stick to and stand up for what she knew was right.

I have always been very persuadable. I think that's a flaw, to not think for yourself. And...

Yep. I haven't found out what I like about it yet. :P

However, if you read Persuasion by Jane Austen, the conversation between Anne Elliott and Frederick Wentworth does seem to give it a virtuous spin. As does this scripture:

Alma 7:23

(from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ)

And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

numbers.

I have issues with numbers. I don't understand what exactly began this fear as numbers are merely a tool. A useful symbol that helps our concrete minds to have something to structure itself around and make sense of.

However, I don't think in numbers. I am more of a "concept person." I think in the abstract. I think in terms of relationships and in the big picture. I have a more holistic approach to education and knowledge. A more eternal perspective.

I suppose there is truth in the proverb "we fear that which we do not understand." And by golly, have I feared those numbers!

For me, numbers have always seemed to feel feel so rigid, so set in stone, so final, so unforgiving. They seemed to be what "justice" would be if not tempered by mercy. Also, because they are so quantifiable they seemed to judge me so harshly. I sometimes manipulate them to show myself just how "imperfect" I am. In the case of time, these numbers simply slip away without there being anything to show for it.

However, it's all about how we choose to perceive something. Numbers....numbers are not real. They are great! They are a wonderful tool! But that is all they are. A construct to assist us. A tool that can be very helpful at times, but a tool which has also been wielded in a course of destruction.

I hope to keep understanding numbers better. I hope to keep developing the more rational, logical part of my brain and not simply react to life. I hope to keep seeing things as they really are.

The Princess and the Pirate

Being home has its advantages. On Halloween, I get to help my siblings dress up and then send them off to go bring me candy. It really is a nice arrangement. I had pictures I wanted to show you...however, they are in my head. I did not think to find my camera at the crucial moment, so I will tell you what they were. A Princess and a Pirate. I'll give you three guesses to guess which Matthew was and which Rachel was. :P

Anyway: THANK THE HEAVENS FOR CANDY HOLIDAYS!!!! :D

Why Do People Curse??

So...I have had to listen to a good deal of "language" lately. The kind of language I don't approve of. I have become fairly proficient at blocking and filtering these unsavory words before they effect me...but there is no way to truly escape their effects. On the subconscious level they still effect you.

I just don't understand WHY people use these words?? They are the very opposite of conveying "more feeling." They convey less. Used over and over as they are, these words lose all meaning and deaden the senses. We of the English language have one of the most expressive languages on this earth...and still people curse.

The Randomness of LIFE.

Today has been...a weird day.

I woke up at 3:00 for my lifeguarding duties and was at the gym an hour later. I cleaned the pool. Checked the chemicals to make sure that people wouldn't get chlorine rashes. And I watched people swim for four hours to make sure that our clubs patrons didn't drown and die. We have all kinds of people swimming there. Well, mostly old. But there are little children taking swim lessons and physical therapy. There are also your average age adults who are working out. Huge aquatic fitness classes. But mostly, I get to converse and spend time with those we call "the elderly." They are the most WONDERFUL people! :) They have spent a lifetime in their own shoes and each is full of their own delightful "isms."

Anyway. Back to the point.

So I was a lifeguard until 9am. At this point I drove home, ate breakfast, chose hymns for Sunday, and took time to get ready for an interview I had with Verizon Wireless. I curled my hair, wore nice clothing and shoes, and just tried to look the best that I could. I was very nervous about the interview but I kept praying, which helped me to stay a little bit calmer.

I got to my interview with a good amount of buffer time. I was definitely nervous, but I found my way to the VZW kiosk and filled out an application while I was waiting for Jim (name changed) to complete another interview.

When I sat down at the interview I was repeatedly asked the same questions over and over. Questions about my work history. Did I know what retail really means? I was then told all of the horrors of retail. Would I give up my entire life for retail? Would I sacrifice everything for this job? Would I be willing to become a slave. Would I be able to stand up to the terrifying customer and make them buy a phone? I am not sure if they were trying to scare me away...but lately I have been repeating the mantra "I am afraid of NOTHING. I fear no man!" So I stood up to him and his questions.

I suppose that I must have a persecution complex because unless people are warm and tender with me, I think that they must hate me!! :P

Anyway. I thought that he was very skeptical of my work history, having gone over and over the same points, and I said to him point blank: "So. I am getting this feeling that you don't like me or that you simply do not approve of my work history. Am I correct in thinking that you will not be calling me back?"

It was really hard to stand up to him like that. To assert myself. It felt uncomfortable and I felt like a hostile person. When he asked me to repeat myself, I wanted to retract what I had said. But I didn't. I modified my statement to be shorter, but I stood firm. I thought I had nothing to lose. (Although, I did feel like a mean person even though I said nothing unkind.

Well. After I had had my little say, the whole tenor of the interview changed. He seemed to have a little more respect for me. He said several times that I would definitely be considered as a candidate. He said that the interview was basically just a face to face meeting and that there would be a follow-up interview.

Lo and behold, just a few hours later I received a call from Jim offering for me to work on Monday morning. I accepted. I probably should have asked a few questions before being so impulsive, but I accepted.

Yanni - One Man´s Dream

A friend recommended "Yanni" to me some time ago, but it took youtube's suggestion to get me to follow through. This is beautiful. It is also highly entertaining as he has a mustache that makes me want to laugh. All I could think of when I saw it was Princess Bride: "ChHello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Seriously, you will love this:

Balloon Children

Rachel has lately been obsessed with balloons. She is constantly blowing up blue balloon after blue balloon, obviously we don't have a variety pack. Each of these balloons are then brought to me to be tied, which I do on the first try more often then not. :P At this point, the balloons are then ready to be brought to life by Rachel's hand and some obliging markers. Our house is now filled with Mother Balloon, Father Balloon, and their many, many children!! :) I had forgotten how fun it is to play the "keep the balloon off the ground for as long as you can" game. Ah...the simple pleasures of life. Isn't childhood wonderful?

The secret is that such simplicity and enthusiasm and enjoyment in something that seems like "nothing" does not have to end. Why do adults always labor for that which is of no worth? The world is rich and full all around us. Discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with new eyes.

P.S. Don't you just LOVE today's date??

10.20.2010

And if you're European and write day/month/year: 20.10.2010

P.P.S. And yes I do have to give a shout out to water balloons!! :D

P.P.P.S. Yes, Catherine, I will always be jealous that you were in the world's largest water balloon fight. :P

Fortune Cookies.

Do you know what's so great about fortune cookies?

They tell you EVERYTHING!!

Your fortune, your lucky numbers (which they can sometimes get right), and they even teach you how to speak Chinese word by word.

If you couldn't tell, I have a little bit of superstition in me.

1. It is kind of fun.

2. I like patterns and serendipitous circumstances. I like everything to connect.

3. Fate. Destiny. Purpose. We all have one.

And when you get fortune cookies which speak directly to you...let's just say my two most recent fortunes confirm my "mostly-un-superstitious" status:

Dang it!! I still have to figure things out for myself.

He gave me a fright!!

I was just sitting quietly, reading and commenting on my cousins' blog when a bug came out of nowhere and attacked me!! He flew first at my ear. Then into my hair. And then buzzed around while we both freaked out.

it is the season of the fright--

but DON'T come until

Halloween night.

Costume idea??

...yep. that would show him.

Declaration

Judge all you want of the exterior,

I am concerned with the interior!

Ah, but even with that I do not know

I just ate a bit of plastic

With a snickers on the go..Oh! :O

Thanks for the Smile.

We all have those days when we need a little something. When we can't get out of bed. When we can't bear to face the day and all of its monsters. When a smile or a kind word from a stranger can mean the world.

My smile came not from a person but from a memory. I came across the wonderful drawings that a certain almost-12-year-old-girl had drawn for me last May. Her name is Rachel. She is good friends with our Rachel. She is one of my favorite people. That says it all.

The Day Belongs To The Night From Whence It Flows

Haha!!

I just wanted to throw you off with a really lengthy title! ;P

I think it marvelous how a beautiful a day can result from the most miserable of nights.

Today was such a day.

Thank you world:

Precariously Perched

This is how I do the dishes:

I was so proud of getting them this tall...

And they didn't fall!

Daydreaming...

Yep. That's me! ;P

As a lifeguard I sit. A lot.

Do you think I waste this time? I should say not!

In this time my mind tends wander from thing to thing...

I thought I would share with you today's favorite musing:

When it turned 11:11am I thought about how amazing it will be on November 11th at 11:11. And of course I thought about this after I made my wish! Next year, on November 11, 2011 at 11:11 this time will be the Makes-Your-Wish-Come-True TIME OF THE CENTURY. Not until November 11, 2111 will such a day come again.

So prepare your wishes! I know I will be thinking ahead.

Sigh. Wouldn't it be the perfect time to get proposed to, or married on, or any special event or occasion would be memorable. Like being born! Too bad I can't be born again. Being born on 11/11/11 at 11:11 would probably make you the luckiest baby EVER! J

Not unlike Meg from this book:

Read it. Love it. Then wear the necklace that comes with all of Elizabeth Koehler-Pentacoff's lovely books! :)

Birthdays

You well may wonder: What do Wanlasses do on their Birthday's??

Answer: They eat cake.

Lizzie and I are kind of obsessed with this cake.

She made Cat's and I made this one for mom.

Does it get better than a cupcake cake?? :D

I think not.

Happy Birthday Catherine and Mommy!!! :D

PS--We didn't actually see the horse.

We saw the movie.

PPS--We did eat the Sees chocolate.

And go to a cupcake restaurant.

And eat sushi.

And have Jamba Juice.

yes...I know you are jealous!

PPPS--We did not consume this all at once,

on the same day,

in the same state,

or with the same people.

PPPPS--I wish we could have.

PPPPPS--I am seriously lacking in pictures.

That's just what happens when you have more life than film.

Or don't remember to take pictures! :/

PPPPPPS--I will one day set the P.S. record.

PPPPPPPS--This looks like my cake! :)

The beginning of October is a busy time for birthdays in the Wanlass household. I write this post on the anniversary of my beloved Aunty Tis’ birthday. She died when I was a young girl but I hold the memories dear.

Memory Lane:

It was with her that I jumped, uh, bellyflopped off of my first really REALLY HIGH dive. We used to go out to dinner at Johnson’s Steak House in ___ Virginia, (consequently, this was not too far from where my beloved diving board was located). I always ordered the same dish when eating at Johnsons. I would get the fried shrimp and vegetables (I will include the fries under the umbrella of my fresher vegetables) for dinner and the most amazing chocolate mousse pie for dessert. I was always SO FULL that I have yet to eat my dessert in the restaurant. We would always wrap it up and bring it to my grandmother’s house. Somehow, with the help of many forks and mouths, my poor little mousse has yet to make it through that first night.

My Aunty Tis loved broaches and she wore multiple rings on every finger. Like all of those women on my mothers side, she was a thorough-bred LADY. Don't misunderstand, my father’s side of the family also has nothing but the most genteel creatures…however, my mothers side just makes such a point of it. They uphold the Southern ideals of Belle's and Gentleman and chivalry. These are all the more vivid to my recollection at the present as I am reading a biography about Robert E. Lee entitled "Call of Duty." These concepts were also a part of General Lee's existence as well.

I am not certain if I would qualify, by the Mayse standards, to enter into Southern Belle society? I am no debutante, although I would LOVE IT! J I...really have to stop this tangent. Memory lane has veer back into the main road or else I will be headed straight for the Atlantic Ocean.

Tangent Over.

So, where was I? October. Check. Birthday month. Check. Aunty 'Tis...and yep. Now I am back on track.

Well, the two girls in my family who get to celebrate a not-so-un-Birthday are not always lucky when it came to the timing of their respective birthday days. The two birthday girls are my mother, who just turned 50! (that's an excited fifty...not a five hundred and one) on October 6th, and my younger sister Catherine, who just turned 19 on October 3rd. You might observe that if Catherine had merely waited a few more days they could have shared birthdays. But I suppose after being a couple weeks late she was finally ready to just come on out! And this first birthday was one where this mother and daughter were able to spend their special days together! Not so a few years later when Catherine was a young girl and we lived with my grandmother for the year. A couple years later and my parents flew to Japan, thus missing both her birthday and few days ago I also celebrated my mother's birthday and a few days before that my younger sister's birthday. Then there was the year of the St. George marathon. And all these missed birthdays added together equals almost nineteen in Catherine's eyes. ;P

I am happy to report that this year I got to spend Catherine's birthday with Catherine and my mother's birthday with Darling Mother Dearest. J

Here is a little bit of how we spent our days:

...I was having picture issues so just look at the top!! :D

Home Again.

Home is definitely where my heart is! After traveling by bus, by train, by bus again. By car, by plane, all in the rain...it felt so good to spend last night in my own bed! There is such a feeling of peace, of belonging, of "rightness" when you walk into the doors of your own home, your own room. I was overwhelmed by the thought "this is where you I'm supposed to be."

I was in Utah for several reasons: 1. Because it was CATHERINE'S BIRTHDAY!!! :D 2. To go to the General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 3. To check out BYU...by dream school!! :) It was a simply wonderful, though exhausting, weekend!! :) I was able to visit with friends, cousins, and a sister. I had the opportunity to go to a fireside given by Stephanie Nielson and was thoroughly inspired by her. There were happy birthday events. A trip to Salt Lake City to see one of the General Conference sessions live....Amazingness!!! And for me personally, it was a great time of spiritual renewal, awakening, a time for some answers. Exhaustingly so.

In taking the tour of BYU, I was led to realize this is a school I will definitely be attending. Not only do I believe that I am intended to go, I want to go. I will finish the application process completing interviews, sending in transcripts, and other necessary steps as soon as I can...however, I am glad that I am not there yet.

I need a little more time. I need a little more healing. I need to save up a little money!!

So, thank you home. I am glad to be back with you. I am glad to be back with my wonderful parents and my younger brother and sister. Thank you messy room for being right where I left you!! :)

Now to recover from my time of exhausting personal discovery!! ;P

P.S. Here is a picture taken of my home-sweet-home in the middle of the night:

P.P.S. The not sleeping at all and laughing more in five days than I have in the past year might have contributed just a little bit to my weariness??

I LOVE EMILY!!!! :D

My dear cousin Emily is one of the funnest girls EVER!!! She is brilliant, beautiful, adventurous, fun, and every sooo funny!! I have had the most wonderful visit staying in her dorm room.

I will give you a sampling of the wonderful conversations that are had here:

Cat: "And so the roommate problems begin."
Emily: "Only when you try to play matchmaker!"

-----------------------------------------------------

Cat & Becca: "I am sooooo full!" "We ate four desserts!" :O
Emily: "I am such such a pig!! No wait, I'm pretty sure if I had actually taken a pig with me into the Canon center today it would have eaten healthier than I did."

Recapturing Beauty

I had the opportunity to go to a fireside sponsored by the Recapturing Beauty campaign the Women's Services and Resources at BYU is running. The speaker was Stephanie Nielson, an incredible plane crash survivor. She entitled her story as "Finding & Loving Your Beauty."

Stephanie and her husband were involved in a very severe plane crash a little over two years ago. She and her husband both survived, with severe burns all over their arms legs, face, and body. Their friend Doug, who was in the plane with them, were not so lucky. However, the word "lucky" is not a word that everyone would use. She was three months in a coma and several months covered from head to toe in bandages as doctors were continually performing reconstructive and skin grafting surgeries. Surgeries which are not over with even now. With over 84% of her body covered in burns, the body that Stephanie once knew as her own was lost. Unrecognizable. She did not know herself. Her children did not know her.

She let us into her miraculous journey of pain and discovery. Of coming to understand just how sacred and amazing our bodies are...even when they're not perfect! That who we are on the inside, the beauty from your own light, this is who we are.

"Though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day."
2 Corinthians 4:16

I was honored to be in the presence of such an elect lady. Not many could bear the trial she was entrusted with. With the severity of the crash and her injuries she should not have survived. But she did. Stephanie now reaches out and blesses so many with her example and love. She has so much courage. So much faith. So much resolve and strength and endurance. Stephanie is happy. Stephanie is hopeful. Stephanie is full of life and light.

I hope I can be a little more like Stephanie Nielson.

If you want to find out more about Stephanie and her story check out her blog:

http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/

This is a short video of Stephanie's story:

My-New-Life

MAD tv - Bon Qui Qui at King Burger

Watch this and you will know JUST HOW MUCH FUN I have with my sisters and cousins!! :D

WARNING: YOU'LL BE JEALOUS!!! (in a good way!)

The Man Across The Street

There was a man who lived across the street from my family at Smith Avenue. He had a beautiful, green, well-kept yard. A driveway which he would keep very black. A lovely little garden. And he was very much alone. He had no one to share his beautiful little porch with.

Year after year this aging yet agile retiree would be diligently tending to the upkeep of his little life. Year after year the still-black driveway was preserved by the ominous absence of tire tracks and visiting cars. In fact, the driveway was completed vacated and the garage rarely saw it's one object, his own car, leave it's shelter. To my young mind, I could see nothing so wasteful as an empty driveway. Didn't he know that he could have really maximized my roller-blading space? I wasn't allowed to go out into the street but if he would only let me use his driveway... However, in the driveway's emptiness there was something infinitely more painful to me than a lack of roller-blading turf. Who needs skinned knees anyway?

The years passed and my sisters and I finally introduced ourselves. I don't even remember how the first meeting happened. We might have brought him cookies or a note or we might simply have walked up to him in his yard. I do remember that my grandmother broke the ice. From that time onward my family gradually became acquainted with him. We came to realize that he was simply a shy but sweet man who's family either lived far away or had departed from this life. A little more time wore on. As the once agile man was now ailing he came to confide to us that he was dying. He had brain cancer. I will never forget just how touched he was when we brought over my mom's amazing homemade chicken noodle soup and fresh rolls, kind and encouraging note, flowers, or some other thoughtful gesture. He proved to be just as thoughtful in return of his gratitude.

It didn't take him long to die. I remember that from the time I knew that this sweet old man was alone I took him into my heart. I only wish that he could have known that he was home with me. I wish he could have known that he was my dear adopted grandpa. I wish that we both could have overcome our mutual shyness so as to allow each other into our lives more fully. I would have loved to sit and listen to stories of his life. I like to think he would have been happy to tell them. But I didn't. And he didn't. And there is always a little twinge to my heartstrings when I think of what might have been.

I don't want to regret. I don't want to look back and think "what might have been." I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. We can't dwell or harrow up the past any longer than it takes for us to learn from it.

Life's an interesting adventure which can only be understood looking backwards, but must be lived going forwards. I hope my backwards searching will prove to propel me forward with my course being slightly straighter with correction. When the road is less traveled, it can take a little more time to clear away the roughage.

Pushing Daisies...

Pushing Daisies where did you go?

Don't you know we love you so?! :)

Somehow little Rachel discovered Pushing Daisies when she was browsing my netflix cue. Of her own admonition she fell in love, I didn't even THINK of suggesting it, and so for the past week she wants to watch little else during her T.V. time. If only they had gotten to a season 3...

Mother Theresa

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

Disappointed.

I am not running the St. George marathon this next weekend and it breaks my heart! I have had a combination of injuries, lack of consistent training, and an extinguished motivation. Lately, I feel as if all of my motivation for everything has died. I know I could run it...but I just don't have the will to feel miserable for 3.5 to 4 hours. I have been waiting to do this run for YEARS. I guess I will just have to wait a little longer. I hope to begin running consistently again soon. I refuse to push too hard anymore...it is painful, wearying, and counterproductive (remember the injuries?). No fractured hips, ruined knees, or long-term hatred of running. I LOVE RUNNING and I refuse to ruin that by a few bad months. I lived and breathed to run this marathon so I must live and breathe to run once more.

That is all.

Let's Play Tennis!!

I attended my cousin Lauren's Tennis match today and I got excited. I relived the glory days of my summer tennis lessons which were held at the park behind Town Hall West. My famous faint where I awoke in the arms of my way cute tennis instructor...we were only 20 years apart. He was 28 and I was a mature 8-year-old. I was even bidden to drink from his water bottle which he had already been USING!! It was definitely true love.

Wake up! Lauren's Tennis Match. Well played...except that poor Lauren hurt her ankle very badly and there was no accommodating 28-year-old tennis super-hero to save her. My poor, dear, brave cousin. She bore it well.

I hope you will play tennis with me Lauren. If I am ever to find true love again...I must play TENNIS!!!

I remember him looking something like this:

Swimming Memories

I was adding a picture to my post about lifeguarding when I came across this picture:

...there's a story with this! :)

When I was a little girl I swam competitively for a number of years. Michael Reilly, a boy who was a year younger than me, became a best friend. He and his dear mother, Jane, had these two HUGE Newfoundland dogs, the one in the picture is the exact likeness of Blue. It must be understood that Newfoundland dogs originate from Newfoundland, Canada where they were taken out on fishing boats and used as living life-preservers. If a fisherman were to go overboard in those treacherous and freezing waters, the dog would jump overboard and swim out to the victim and bring him back.

Apparently, this life-saving swimming is an instinct that I got to experience for myself in the canal behind Michael's house. Mike and I would swim out to the middle of the canal and the dogs would swim out after us and "save" us as they would have us grab onto them and then proceed to swim us to the shore...only to begin all over again! :)

Other amazing memories and random memories from the swimming days in no particular order: Rita's Gelati's; Igloo's Italian Ices; Carvel Ice Cream, (yes...I know what your saying: THESE GUYS CAN EAT! And we did!!); Jane's Red Bug; Grandpa W. and Jane Reilly's famous friendship; long philosophical talks with Jane on the way back from swimming (Jane always called me an old soul); Mike and I taking turns with front seats; Mike thinking I had RED hair when it was wet--I was HIGHLY indignant; Michael Reilly constantly arising my indignation; swim meets which began at 5am; smelling always of chlorine; Michael and I always racing each other and being competitive...there might have been a time when I could beat Mike, but that passed LOOOONG AGO; touch football in the front yard; tackle football in the front yard; Cat being IN LOVE with Mike; me being in love with Mike and refusing to acknowledge it; John Del Gaizo "Del" being his delightful and polite self when he would carpool with us...Mike and I ALWAYS got the biggest sizes when we went to Rita's or Carvel while Del would get the smallest and would be full of delightful conversation in the car; spending weekends at Mike's manor house; Mike and Jane staying at the Smith Avenue house; Coach Kropp who was strict yet kind, white hair and a cropped haircut, a wife who coached the diving team, and a guy who knew how to get rid of a charlie-horse; Coach Tom who was passionate with flaming red hair and a soul full of goodness; starting blocks; sprints; butterfly, backstroke, breastroke, freestyle, IM's; Eisenhower Olympic training center with the most AMAZING diving pool and all sorts of AMAZINGNESS; Speedo swimsuits; guys who would shave or wax their ENTIRE bodies; my first event ever at a meet being backstroke and I swam in circles because the ceiling was circular...I think I was eight; waiting for hours to be picked up from swim meets or practices; Jeanette, my mom's co-worker, picking me up in her AMAZING open-door, bright yellow JEEP; goggles, swim caps; girls locker room; Sayville high school; Britney and her older sister Christine, Jenna, Mary-Beth; annual Islip Aquatics pasta dinners; when first trying out for the team I was asked to swim the butterfly, which I had never been taught, but as I had watched the '96 Olympics...I was able to do it, it might have been my best stroke; all the amazing swimming suits, accessories, and other aquatic paraphernalia that was sold in the hallways...oh, and there was food too! :); bagels and cream cheese, gold fish, candy...I supplied the team well with energy; GATORADE; the day I graduated to the fastest lane in the pool; team pictures; junior olympics; McDonalds' Big Macs; the dark-haired, five or six years older than me Michael...so CUTE!; Michael's dad pointing out my over-use of filler words such as "like"...a habit which I have yet to overcome to this day; Michael's dad's big red pick-up (yes...the Reilly's liked RED); Michael's dad smelling always of cigarette's and cigar's; Jane's divorce; Jane and Michael moving to Scotland; Mike going off to boarding school; Michael's dad passing away; Jane and Michael Reilly becoming members of the Wanlass family because of Islip Aquatics! Thanks! :)

I'm OFFICIALLY a Lifeguard!! :D

me.

Over the summer I began to feel these little nudges telling me: "you LOVE the water, you should be a lifeguard," "you miss swimming so much, you should convert your water skills into some kind of a job," "you LOVE children, you LOVE the water and children+water=swim instructor...why not??"

I ended up finding a swimming instructor position at a pool not too far from my house. The job was mine as long as I got my lifeguard certification. So I spent a four-day weekend in a grueling/exhilarating lifeguard certification class. As luck would have it, I have yet to "connect" with the pool about starting swim instructor position. In the meantime, I found a gym which needed another lifeguard. I signed on with them. It turns out it was a good idea! :)

Lovely people. Nice free gym membership. Fewer hours, allowing time for my music. And I get to smell chlorine every day I work. Does life get better than sitting by a pool while you smile encouragingly at people?? (Wow! That doesn't sound creepy?! :P)

The Dentist.

I had a dentist appointment today. In preparation for it I have been listening to "Dental Care" by Owl City all week. Luckily, the dentist did not scream and lose his patience...my hygienist attended to me! :)

What were my results you may ask? I am CAVITY FREE!! :D

I also had the usual praises for my beautiful teeth Apparently they are just the size and shape that they ought, and I have a beautiful bite (thank you braces!). And yes...the above smile is most certainly mine...or at least should be. Alas that I never went into teeth modeling!

Oh, and I have learned that I can NEVER drink soda again. I had always understood the drinking of soda to be harmful to the teeth because of the sugar and resulting cavities. BUT IT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT!! Apparently, the reason why any carbonated drink is so harmful, whether it be Root Beer, Coke Zero, or Seltzer Water, is that the carbonation is acidic. When the carbonation is then combined with the acidity of the stomach...the result is a burb! The acidity then enters into mouth saliva and wears away the enamel of the teeth!! :O

And THAT, my dear friends, is why soda is bad!

So...remember to brush and floss or you can kiss that smile goodbye!! ;P

Question: Who burns pancakes??

Answer: I do.

I love food and am attempting to refine my culinary craft. However, I have come to realize that cooking requires more focus than I sometimes exert. For example, Rachel's first pancake:




...Never FEAR!! I do intend to learn well from my mistakes.

Time will tell how well I learn my lessons.

P.S. Sarah I will upload the recipes I have been promising for AGES in my next post! :)

Can you be addicted to lotion??

I have told many people of what I call "my lotion addiction." I have a constant need, a constant desire to keep my hands moisturized. What would I do without the lubrication of Lubridurm? The cure of Curel? The alleviation that Aveeno brings? I clearly demonstrate symptoms of withdrawal as my dry or just-washed hands begin to crave, to thirst for lotion.

But sometimes I wonder if these symptoms are psychological or if they are simply due to the physical phenomena of dry skin? Is it really possible to be addicted to lotion?

Blogging

I signed into my blog account and had "Becca" thoughts running through my head all ready to be shared when the screen urged me to make certain additions to my posting options, including a reaction section. Being the curious and easily diverted person that I am, I was persuaded to peruse the new gadgetry. I am excited to add the reaction buttons...but will probably need a week to decide what reactions I will let you have! ;P

I am now looking at the randomness of my blog and wondering "what am I doing with this??" I did not have any kind of clear idea or vision as to what I wanted to do with the blog when I first began. At the time, I was overwhelmed with the division I felt from so many that are so near and dear to me. I can't obsessively write letters to every single person every day, though I sometimes wish I could. I thought blogging would be a good way for me to keep in contact. I thought it would be a good way for me to share my thoughts and feelings and where I am. I thought it would be a good way to share myself, as I cannot always be with those who I hope are reading this. The result: chaos and failure.

Never fear. I know I have not really failed. Thomas Edison said "I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work." And...

this won't work.

One down. 9,999 to go!

Okay, okay...so I was being a little dramatic but I truly am distressed. I want to have a blog that reflects me but that isn't crazy! Is this even possible? Also, I just found out that there is a Stats tab where I can see who reads this which only confirmed the fact that NOBODY reads this!

Sad.

Oh well. I wouldn't want to read my blog either. Lies, yes I would. But I do want change so...Back to the drawing board. We are going to revamp the Rambling style as we examine what Rebecca likes about blogging! :)

Likes:

-I like to share myself and express myself. To put my crazy self "out there."

-I love to keep in contact with those that I love!! I blog to this end which helps me to maintain a connection with at least the few people who read it. Hopefully this number will grow over time!

-I simply love writing!! :) How wonderful to choose a topic and orient and focus my creative and expressive energies around a certain idea for a time. It helps to clear the mind and helps me organize my thoughts and make sense of things. That is what writing does for me when I take the time and allow myself the time and freedom to really write. My posts would say otherwise! :/ I don't allow the time or am not in a "place" where I can effectively go through this wonderful process...but hopefully I will be able to improve my writing throughout this blog!

-I like creative outlets. I like variety. I like technology and innovation. And I apparently like to ruin my eyes using computers!

-Blogging is an "in thing!!" How cool am I?? ;)

Dislikes:

-Consistency is NOT one of my strong points and this blog sorely exposes this! :/

(HOWEVER, this is something that I am REALLY working on and I hope to allow blogging to assist me in my quest)

-I am not in the same "place" from day to day, or from minute to minute. What I think and feel at one moment might not be true at another. I then have to cringe at certain posts.

-I have a hard time finishing my posts with the result of half-formed posts or not posting at all.

-Some posts were merely a regurgitation of an assortment thoughts/feelings all thrown chaotically together.

-I simply love writing and was once highly praised for having some talent for it by former writing teachers...but I am afraid my writing on this blog has been very poor thus far.

-I feel as if I am constantly humiliating myself with this blog!

So what do we do?? We begin again! :)

What I hope to accomplish by this Blog:

-To have fun and look forward to every post.

-To have a focus for each entry and a theme for the blog.

-To improve my writing.

-To start proofreading.

-To reach out.

-To share and express who I am (even though I haven't finished discovering this!).

-To allow people in my life, my journey.

-To shed some light into my attic...as dusty and messy as it is! ;)

-To keep myself completely open, even though people will judge.

Julianne Baird, my former voice teacher, told me that 'the weaknesses and mistakes we make in music are reflective of our lives in general.' I will take this a step further. Who we are will reflect in everything we say, think, feel, do. Unfortunately (and FORTUNATELY :) ) who we are, what we are trying to become is a lifelong journey and the nature of humanity is change. Some moments of our lives will magnify that divine person we are becoming, or trying our darndest to become. Some moments will not. Some moments will show just how weak, frail, helpless, and pathetic we humans are alone.

We all have so many expectations about what our lives are supposed to look like. I know I did. But life is not really about what we do, it is about what we become. As with music, what we become will reflect in all we do. Oh, the circles of life! :)

I am a late bloomer. I am still trying to figure out this life. I am still trying to figure out just who I really am.

I never expected at age 22 to have yet to complete my bachelors. To have yet to serve a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. To be at home.

But I have not failed! I have found 10,000 ways that won't work!

Although my life does not look like others or share the same time line, it is pretty sweet! :) And this is what I hope to share with you: MY WONDERFUL LIFE!! With all of its twists and turns and bumps and typos.

And let's also remember that life works in mysterious ways. What may seem a stumbling block might really be a stepping stone!

Question: So what do I really want to do with this blog??

Answer: I don't know yet. But I'll let you know when I do! :)

Emoticons

Please someone teach me all the faces I can make with the keys of my computer!!! I want to be able to express all of myself. ;P

Seriously, I could use a lesson. A chart. A diagram. A website. A tutorial of some kind.

...all I know is:

:D

:)

:P

:O

;P

;)

:/

:]

:l

...and this is about the extent of my knowledge. Self-taught, mind you! ;P

I do LOVE these faces, :D, but sometimes I feel a little limited. I want to branch out...but I don't want to use faces that others would not understand.

"Are you in there?"

...my favorite quote from this 3-minute video:

Parenting: Touching the Hearts of Our Youth

Yes, I am.

I am in love with life...and it feels good!! :)

For too long I've taken life too seriously. I do agree it is a serious business...but all of the daily stresses are not. Hello, "life's too mysterious, don't take it serious."

I LOVE LETTING GO!!! :D

PS--pLeAsE ReMiNd me when I forget this wonderful lesson...because I just have to keep relearning eVeRyThiNg over and over again!

They Know Not My Heart

They Know Not My Heart by Thomas Moore

http://www.poemhunter.com/thomas-moore/

http://theotherpages.org/poems/moore01.html

...Sir Thomas Moore has long been one of my heroes, since I read "A Man For All Seasons" and related readings. And it just so happens that he is an aMaZiNg poet!!! :D
I have been rediscovering his poetry. :)

Check this out:

http://www.songwritingcompetition.com/MP3-2009/LoveLust.mp3

I thought this song was cute and clever...and intimidating!! This is what I am up against if I submit some of my songs into songwriting competitions?? These are studio recorded with awesome quality...mine...are not. :/

P.S. ...don't have the volume on loud!! eek!! :O

P.P.S. This song reminds me of a poem that Sir Thomas Moore wrote to his wife Alice. She had locked herself in her room upon his return home from business because she was scarred from the smallpox she had contracted and fought in his absence. Upon hearing this through her door, Alice unbolted it and embraced her husband...but decided to wear a veil around others.

Sound familiar?? ;P

P.P.P.S. This is the poem:

Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms

BELIEVE me, if all those endearing young charms,

Which I gaze on so fondly to-day,

Were to change by to-morrow, and fleet in my arms,

Live fairy-gifts fading away,

Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art,

Let thy loveliness fade as it will,

And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart

Would entwine itself verdantly still.

It is not while beauty and youth are thine own,

And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear,

That the fervor and faith of a soul may be known,

To which time will but make thee more dear!

No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets,

But as truly loves on to the close,

As the sunflower turns on her god when he sets

The same look which she turned when he rose!

Thomas Moore

Beethovens 5th as salsa arr: Sverre Indris Joner

Good Things To Come

Sometimes we just need a rainbow. We need a promise.

We need a little inspiration...like a video:

Good-Things-to-Come :)

Flies Must Die!!

Who would have thought that for most of my life I could not kill an ant?? The the thought of harming the smallest of God's creatures gave me great pain...but either my perspective has gotten a lot healthier or I am now a hardened person because lately it has felt like my only purpose is to annihilate all flies! Yes...flies must die. :(

Muffin Update

The muffins were actually AMAZING!!! :D

My faves were the Banana Crumb Muffins...but the Banana Bran Muffins were also so delish!! :)

...Sorry to have misled you in the last post. They were still in the oven and I was freaking out...but all's well that ends well.

If you have any "bad bananas" go and make some muffins!! :)

Here is a link to the Banana Crumb Muffin Recipe:

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Banana-Crumb-Muffins/Detail.aspx

And here is the Banana Bran Muffin Recipe:

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Banana-Bran-Muffins-2/Detail.aspx


photos courtesy of allrecipes.com

Umm...not yum.

Umm...consistency is really not my thing. Not yet!! I can be a really good cook and my baking is something divine...but not so today.

I have learned a few lessons:

A-I need to find a new allergy medicine because what I have been taking recently is making me really spacy. I am easily distracted enough without the extra help! :P
B-Sometimes I am not the multi-tasker that I think I am. ie--talking on the phone to my sisters while making banana muffins means I will omit certain ingredients while inventively adding others.
C-I should NOT try to make two different banana muffin recipes at the exact same time. Having everything side by side caused me to make two different and WRONG recipes. :/
D-1/4 cup does not equal 1/3 cup!!!
E-Bread flour is NOT the same as all-purpose flour!!
F-Make sure you are reading the right recipe before you add the ingredients.
G-Make sure you are reading the right recipe before you put the muffins in the oven of the wrong preheated temperature.
H-Make sure you do not use your computer for the recipes...you WILL get gunk all over it.
I-All ingredients are not created equal. Do NOT try to substitute ingredients without knowing more about them.
J-Make sure you set timers.
K-...the rest of my lessons are too embarrasing to admit to any more.

I think it will suffice to say that I have been having kitchen disasters today!! I shouldn't have watched "Into the Woods" with Rachel last night...as now I have been having "baking accidents" of my own! But all's well that ends well!! I have hope that I was able to fix them...I am holding out for "yum" rather than "umm..." but we will see.

Word.

A Word Once Said Is Dead, Some Say

But I Believe It Just Begins To Live That Day



emily dickinson

Half-Finished Thoughts

I need to get out of catch-up mode. Sometimes a half-finished thought is just a half-finished thought. A half-finished song is a half-finished song. A half-finished poem will remain as such. A barely begun journal entry is just that. Perhaps the time will come when it is time to finish them...perhaps not.

Yes...it is good to get ourselves to finish things, but not forcibly so. If it doesn't come, so be it. So many of these blog entries I have written late at night when my mind was so full of ideas and I had no clear direction with any of them...so I tried to follow them all. That is part of my problem in life: too many ideas!!

Life by its nature is temporal, time bound. Like it or not, we are bound to the clock. We must learn to live within its limits. It will probably take me my entire life to learn to live within the limitations presented by mortality, but I am bound and determined to master this life!

We cannot do every wonderful thing our heart desires, we just can't!! I might have to learn this lesson several more times...but each time I think I learn it just a little bit better! :)